I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
