You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
