ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I stole a fireplace last night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
