I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
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Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
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And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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