So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
