apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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