ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Randomize
