my mouth tastes like poor choices
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I wish there were birth control emojis
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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