I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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