im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
How's work?
Spinning.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
