Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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