I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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