May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
