saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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