I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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