he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
