so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
