I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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