Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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