pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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