Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
