stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
