:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
