this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
