Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize