Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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