Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
