Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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