what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
When are your genitals available?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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