Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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