Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
