I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
