Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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