life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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