Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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