you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
