Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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