I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize