I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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