It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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