I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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