i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
