Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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