Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
