I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
