I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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