Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(646): View more from New York

A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.

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(276): View more from Virginia

So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.

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Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Read it at the TFLN blog
(618): View more from Illinois

Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.

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(727): View more from Florida

well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.

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(847): View more from Illinois

This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.

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(315): View more from New York

you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out

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(631): View more from New York

But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking

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