i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
