I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
