I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
