What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
