how can u be prego again
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
