i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
