I got chris browned last night
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
