Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
