i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
