Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
