Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
