and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
