census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
